his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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