he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
