hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
