I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
