i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
