so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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