oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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