I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
