I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
