I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
