Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm getting married
To pizza
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
