I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
be right there i have to get my cape
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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