is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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