Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
