new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
