Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
