Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
