I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
