i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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