i think my tv is drunk
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
