I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Randomize
