she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
COCAINE IS GR8
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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