my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
