I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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