Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
