she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm always down for nudity.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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