Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
