she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
