the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
