According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
