I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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