So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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