I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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