i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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