Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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