nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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