Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
