This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
