I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
