And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
