I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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