You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
