I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
