somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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