I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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