My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
