Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
