why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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