Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
