oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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