Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
