If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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