so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
