More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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