: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
