y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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