Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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