You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
